Photo Credit: CBC

Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Perhaps that’s why more and more North Americans are finding joy in “living apart together” (LAT) relationships.  According to Statistics Canada, one in 13 Canadians are in this kind of relationship, and the lifestyle is catching on among older, divorced or widowed women looking for financial independence. Some 1.9 million unmarried adults were in an intimate relationship with someone living elsewhere, according to 2011 data. That’s in addition to 240,000 married people who live apart from their spouse in “commuter marriages.” These are often long-term committed couples who choose not to reside together. LAT partners can be married or unmarried, living apart because they want to or for practical reasons, such as work. Many speak of their residential separation as long-term, if not permanent.

A Globe and Mail article reported that today, sociologists say it is older, heterosexual, divorced or widowed women who are most enthusiastically adopting the trend. They are dating again monogamously but not interested in moving in with their new boyfriends. Financially independent and living in empty nests, these women are ready to focus on themselves. They want companionship but not the domestic drudgery of their previous unions: more dates, fewer dirty laundry to tackle.

What most LATers share in common is their drive for autonomy and self-fulfillment. That, and a deep urge to avoid the daily grind of traditional marriage that can kill all the romance, such as the fights over house chores and finances, and the ways familiarity can breed contempt when people live on top of each other for too long. Many traditional conservatives say that commitment means living in a shared nest and compromise for the relationship to be meaningful. Catholicism also frowns on the LAT relationships because living separately is not the same as the holy sacrament of matrimony. LATers, on the other hand, argue that they are quite deeply committed. With no practical ties that bind – no mortgage, joint finances or shared children – they are only in it because they choose to be.  As Canada’s divorce rate hovers around 41 percent, LATers see living apart as a hopeful alternative to marriage under one roof.

LATers are dedicated but also respect each other’s independence and space. But because it’s unconventional, it’s also not for everyone. This is attractive to people who enjoy their own company and don’t need to be around people all the time. It will work less well for people who have attachment or trust issues, or who just don’t like being alone. The together-but-apart arrangement increasingly interests women in middle age and beyond, women who have suffered decades-long droughts of “me time,” according to sociologists. Two sociology professors who interviewed partners in heterosexual LAT relationships separately, said that men perceived the LAT as a stage. They talked about the eventuality of moving in together and didn’t see this as unlikely at all.  Meanwhile, the women stressed they had no intention of living with these men. They said they were very tired of having to care for everyone. Wives who lived apart from their husbands because of work in “commuter marriage” discovered they had less housework to do and more leisure time at their disposal, a point not echoed by their husbands.

I remember fondly a former colleague of mine, a female VP working out of our London, U.K. office, who only met up with her Italian husband in Florence over weekends. Their LAT relationship is a “commuter marriage” which focuses on the individuals who both value their careers as much as they cherish their marriage. Now my godson and goddaughter-in-law are also experimenting with their “commuter marriage.” Both are young resident doctors getting their specialist degrees in internal medicine in two separate cities in California – one in Bakersfield and the other in Santa Barbara. With brutally long hours, sometimes working overnight shifts in their respective hospitals,  this young doctor couple lives in separate residences and meets up only on their days off, sometimes not necessarily over weekends. There may not be time to raise a family yet, but the LAT marriage has been working fine.

What’s interesting is that LAT is a growing model among people aged 60 and over. In fact, over 80 percent of the young couples in LAT relationships planned on living together one day, while only 30 percent of those over 60 said the same. An Ipsos poll commissioned by Global News surveyed 1,501 Canadians and found that 40 percent believed that living apart makes their relationship stronger. This concept is especially appealing to people in their boomer and senior years today, particularly women, because after decades of caring for their husbands and children, these divorcees or widows are reluctant to take on the mantle of caregiving once again. Times have changed and women are no longer the ones who are always pushing for commitment in all its traditional trappings. In fact, it’s almost never the men who want to live apart from their partner, it’s always the women now who want more space and independence.

In the U.S., there is a similar demographic trend about these unconventional couplings. According to NBC News, at the annual meeting of the Population Association of America in Denver in April 2018, a graduate student in sociology at Bowling Green State University presented an analysis of nearly 7,700 Wisconsin adults aged 50 and older surveyed in 2011. Married couples accounted for 71.5 percent of that group, single people accounted for 20.5 percent, and people who were “partnered but unmarried” accounted for eight percent. Of the partnered group, 39 percent were in LAT relationships, compared with 31 percent who were dating and 30 percent who were cohabiting. Another 2016 qualitative study of 25 older adults (from 60 to 88-year-old) in LAT relationships found various motivations for these partnerships. Seniors wanted to have “intimate companionship” while maintaining their own home, social circles, customary activities and finance.

Very few studies have evaluated the quality of such unconventional relationships, which has implications for seniors’ well-being. One found that older adults in these relationships tend to be less happy and receive less support from partners than people who are married. Another, presented at last year’s Population Association of America meeting, found that the quality of LAT relationships isn’t as strong as it is for marriages.

Only time will tell whether this trend will continue to grow. What we’ve heard so far is that LATers really like their space, their time alone, and consider their emotional commitment to each other as very strong without needing to be together for 24 hours a day. Maybe absence does make a heart grow fonder.

Photo Credit: Huffington Post

Recently, the attention paid to loneliness as a public-health issue has increased all over the world. In Britain, the Conservative government went as far as appointing a minister for loneliness. The Dutch government announced this month that it is investing $40.8 million to combat loneliness among its elderly population. In our own country, Canada, it was reported that 1.4 million elderly people experience feelings of loneliness.

More of us are living alone than at any point in the history of our nation. But living with someone does not preclude loneliness, as anyone in a bad marriage can tell us. And alone is not equivalent to being lonely. Which brings me to my key point – whether you are lonely or not, whatever your age, is a state of mind and an attitude. There is a social stigma that single people, particularly elderly people who are single, are naturally lonely. This is a myth that should be debunked.

I have posted twice in this blog throughout the years that grey divorces are on the rise. In Canada, divorce is spiking only among 50-plusers and becoming an increasingly common event for couples 65 and older. According to Statistics Canada, about one in five people in their late 50s were divorced or separated in 2011 (about 21.6 percent of women and 18.9 percent of men), the highest among all age groups. In the U.S.A., the divorce rate has decreased in every demographic since the 80s – except among baby boomers, where it has actually doubled. It is a similar story in the U.K. and Europe. In Japan, in the past two decades, couples married 30 years or more have seen their divorce rate quadruple. This international trend is so unusual that it has been dubbed the grey divorce revolution.

There are many reasons behind the grey divorces. With financial independence, boomers also want emotional and physical freedom. Turning 50 or 60 is no longer viewed as the gateway to dotage. With life expectancy now at around 80, the idea of going gently into that good night is no longer valid. The people who prefer to fly solo seem to be very content. The prospect of going it alone at a mature lifestage is scary – lifestyle adjustments, financial uncertainty maybe and telling the kids will be hard. But they are all young adults now. This is your time and you want to be free and happy! In an AARP survey of this trend, one theme surfaced again and again: It is now or never! 

The long-term prospects of happiness for grey divorcees are extremely rosy. Eighty percent of the AARP respondents reported having either a somewhat or very positive outlook on their post-divorce lives. And the good news for those interested in finding another relationship at this mature stage of their lives is that most people who are interested in finding one eventually do. To debunk another myth that baby boomers are not technologically-savvy, the number of boomers 50 or older using online dating sites has grown twice as fast as any age group in recent years. Men tend to re-partner more frequently after a divorce, because they typically have a much harder time than women being alone. Women are more comfortable relying on girlfriends when they need to share their experiences in life.

Having said that, between the years 1996 and 2006, the percentage of divorced Canadians intending to remarry dropped from 26 percent to 22 percent. In addition, more than 60 percent of divorced people stated they had no intentions of getting remarried at all. The steady divorce rate has been one of the contribution factors in the record number of one-person households in Canada. There has also been a continuing upward trend in the number of common-law unions – 21 percent in 2016 versus 16.7 percent in 2011. The key takeaways from these trends are: you are not trapped, regardless of age; and you do not need to fear being lonely, because you never really are.

There are certain steps to take after a grey divorce including understanding your current financial picture; revisit your estate plan; keep your emotions in check; communicating with your kids; and seek counsel and help from therapists, lawyers and financial advisors if necessary. Most important of all, as the AARP survey reflected, you can find happiness again no matter what age you are at.

Maybe the marriage model with a lifetime guarantee has officially been phased out. It is no longer realistic to expect to live a lifetime with the same person. Maybe boomers are looking for more quality than endurance. No more status quo if you are not happy. No more loneliness either. Boomers are starting a discussion about marriage again – it is now or never!

Photo Courtesy: Forrec

The real estate sector has been gradually capitalizing on the opportunity presented by the greying population in North America. The New York Times today reported how Long Island witnesses the growth of country-club-style living in communities for people 55 and older. Resort-like active adult lifestyle communities are increasingly becoming popular. Developer Beechwood Homes is building the largest resort-like community, Country Pointe Plainview, on Long Island featuring an 80-acre property that includes an adjacent shopping centre, an amenity-laden clubhouse, two heated pools, tennis courts and a walking trail. According to the company’s Founder and Chief Executive Michael Dubb, just don’t call it a retirement community. “People are going there to feel young and act young,” he said. The 750 age-restricted condo flats and townhomes  all have first-floor master bedrooms.

With many boomers now in their 60s and 70s, the surge in senior housing is happening everywhere as many older adults and empty nesters move from single-family houses into multifamily developments and condos. They are healthy enough not to need assisted living yet, and they thrive in a community with a lot of social interaction and plenty to do – indoor and outdoor pools, a fitness centre, a billiard room and space for card games, fitness and yoga and other activities.

According to the U.S. National Association of Home Builders, by 2019, households headed by someone 55 or older will constitute more than 45 percent of all American households. Developers nationwide hope to appeal to those greying boomers as they downsize.

The same trend in real estate is also taking place in Canada. As reported by Canadian Business last year, the 114-acre site of St. Elizabeth Village, Hamilton, is a successful independent-living retirement living complex with 900 residents actively participating in classes, social events and recreational activities everyday. The developer, NovaCore Communities Corp., recently announced an $800-million renovation that will transform the site into a themed lifestyle community with a population increase to 3,000. They’ve hired Toronto-based Forrec which is best known for designing and building theme parks in 30 countries outside Canada, including Germany’s Legoland, Universal Studios Florida, and a massive water park in Beijing, China. Forrec has also designed a retirement community in the U.S. similar to the vision planned for St. Elizabeth Village – The Villages in Sumter Landing, Florida – which offers daily entertainment, sports and other activities for its population of 160,000. The U.S. Census ranked The Villages as the fastest growing American city two years in a row.

“We don’t like to call it a retirement community,” says Gordon Donett, Forrec’s CEO. “As soon as you say that, you think it’s a bunch of old people sitting on couches watching TV. And that’s the exact opposite of what we’re working on.” Forrec will remake St. Elizabeth into a pastoral mill town, complete with a spinning water wheel and old-time windmill, and carry the aesthetic throughout the development. The company says the theme will imbue St. Elizabeth with a sense of history, strengthen community ties and emphasize that the site is a real town, not merely a collection of homes for people living out their final years. The entire expansion plan for St. Elizabeth will take approximately a decade to finish.

According to the Conference Board of Canada, by 2051, retirees are expected to represent a quarter of Canada’s entire population and by 2030, roughly 80 percent of new housing demand will come from people entering retirement. There are nearly 300 independent-living, adult-lifestyle communities in Ontario alone. Branding and differentiation are key in marketing retirement living. Forrec focuses on creative themes and storytelling and tries to debunk the myth of aging – it’s not necessarily true that older people will withdraw in their twilight years. Instead of the usual gated retirement communities, St. Elizabeth, with its town square and retailers, could actually entice outsiders to visit. In that way, it’s much more integrated with surrounding towns, encouraging socialization and preventing residents from feeling isolated.

Only time will tell whether the success of The Villages in Florida can be replicated here in Hamilton. I certainly want to see more of such developments in Toronto as well. Retirement homes and communities have been around for a long time, but until now, there had not been a focus on creating a lifestyle for baby boomers. As I’ve mentioned many times before, we boomers defy the ageing process – it’s high time that developers understand our mentality and create age-restricted housing that is unique and caters to our needs.

Photo credit: businessinsider.com

I read with interest The New York Times article published yesterday on The Future Of Retirement Communities: Walkable and Urban. It pointed out that even though most of us currently drive everywhere, more older people these days are looking for a community where they can enjoy a full life without a car. Aging in place now means a lot more than your home – it’s more like aging in community where people can walk or take transit to just about everything they need in an urban neighbourhood.

According to the publication, retirement communities in the U.S. have been slow to change in the age of the Fitbit and a growing cohort of active, engaged retirees eager to take their daily 10,000 steps. Eighty percent of retirees still live in car-dependent suburbs and rural areas, according to a Brookings Institution study. The study indicated that developments for independent retirees typically come in two flavours: isolated, gated subdivisions or large homes on golf courses, often in the same bland package of multiple cul-de-sacs. Both require driving everywhere, which is a problem for those who either do not want to drive or cannot.

The future of independent aging lies more in the walkable urban space – from existing neighbourhoods in places like Brooklyn or San Francisco, to newly built housing within city and suburban cores from coast to coast. In the U.S., new senior housing projects are being built with the goal of keeping retirees active and enabling them to get out and walk to basic services. Researchers found that walkable, mixed-use environments could possibly reduce disabilities many face as they age. Pedestrian-friendly communities promote walking to a grocery store, cafe or other services like a dry cleaner or library.

However, many developers pointed out that urban retirement communities are difficult to build within cities which require extensive infrastructure improvements, including wider sidewalks, bike lanes, more public transportation options and longer pedestrian signal walk times. There is also the question of affordability – walkable areas in mature cities may be unaffordable for retirees who are interested in reducing their overall housing costs. According to Walkscore.com, some of the most walkable U.S. cities, such as New York, San Francisco and Boston, are also the most expensive. Canadian retirees face the same conundrum as their U.S. counterparts. Walk Score ranked Vancouver, Toronto, Montreal, Mississauga and Ottawa as the top five most walkable large cities in Canada. Real estate prices, particularly in the top two cities, are also sky high. Of the 1,200 neighbourhoods scored, 30 of them are “Walker’s Paradises” with a Walk Score of 90 or higher. Toronto also has more “Walker’s Paradises” neighbourhoods (17) than Vancouver (3).

The world-renowned urbanist Richard Florida, who has been working and living in Toronto for a while now, said that Toronto has the potential to further evolve into a city with increased community access. However, Florida also argued that many of Toronto’s progressive residents and politicians have also done extremely little to improve the quality of life in lower-income areas. In an interview with Urban Toronto last December, Florida called for a “virtual moratorium on road-building,” arguing that the perpetuation of an automobile culture hinders a city’s creative capacity, with little exchange of ideas and culture occurring when people are sitting in their cars, and not engaging with life on the street. In spite of his frustration with the “narrowmindedness” of some politicians and residents, Florida also expressed his optimism about the future of Toronto’s real estate development. “The best and most forward-thinking developers now realize that the key to building real estate value in the long term comes through creating good neighbourhoods, and not just good buildings,” he said. Even though he did not specifically mention his vision for the city with the aging population in mind, one would just assume that smart developers are thinking of retirement communities when building for the future.

For aging retirees living in the suburbs, there is always the good news of the latest development of self-driving cars. According to research on mobility for the aged conducted by MIT’s AgeLab, the autonomous vehicle is integral to the future independence of older people. Last month, the U.S. government has also become an ally for self-driving cars by officially announcing guidelines for the booming industry of automated vehicles. The New York Times reported that the Obama administration promised strong safety oversight, but sent a clear signal to automakers that the door was wide open for driverless cars. “We envision in the future, you can take your hands off the wheel, and your commute becomes restful or productive instead of frustrating and exhausting,” said a senior official of the National Economic Council, adding that highly automated vehicles “will save time, money and lives.” The Council and the United States Department of Transportation released the first guidelines in September, which outlined safety expectations and encouraged uniform rules for the nascent technology.

Tesla, the electric-car maker, has already sold tens of thousands of cars with a self-driving feature known as Autopilot. Uber, the leader in ride-hailing service, began trials in Pittsburgh last month to let its most loyal customers order rides from driverless cars through their smartphone app. Google has also been testing self-driving cars in its hometown, Mountain View, California, and very soon, in Stratford, Ontario, as well.

Whether it’s retirement-community living in walkable cities or dependence on self-driving cars in suburban areas, the future looks promising for independent aging!

I’ve always been a proud Canadian citizen, but nothing makes me even prouder than witnessing our country welcoming the first batches of Syrian refugees flown in every day since last week! Whether they are sponsored by private citizens or the Canadian government, some 10,000 refugees who fled from war-torn Syria would have a new home here by the end of this year.

Many of my friends from abroad sometimes have difficulties distinguishing Canada from the U.S.A. To many, Canada is part of North America, and because the U.S. is larger, more powerful and more vocal, our country, very often, gets lumped with The Americas (my only problem with The Economist magazine). It’s easy for us Canadians to explain that while the U.S. is a melting pot, Canada is a cultural mosaic; but very few people outside North America would understand what this means. Both countries comprise diverse immigrants from many parts of the world, but once you’ve landed in the U.S., you are, first and foremost, an American. For us Canadians, as our new Prime Minister Justin Trudeau said in his interview with The New York Times Magazine today, “Canada is defined by the multiplicity of its identities from all over the world.” “There is no core identity, no mainstream in Canada,” he claimed, “There are shared values – openness, respect, compassion, willingness to work hard, to be there for each other, to search for equality and justice.” And with the Canadian citizenship, your ethnic origin is still distinct and very much matters within this country.

Whether you like Trudeau or not, you’ve got to be proud of him and our country when you saw him welcoming the refugees with both arms saying, “You are safe at home now,” when they disembarked at Pearson International Airport in Toronto last Thursday. Another stark difference from the Americans came out when during the First Ministers Meeting in Ottawa last month, none of our provincial premiers said no to sharing the load of accepting the 25,000 Syrian refugees promised by the Liberal government, whereas the American governors and the Republican presidential candidates all wanted to shut its doors to all Syrian refugees.

However, welcoming the Syrian refugees and helping them settle down are only initial first steps. Volunteer groups, church groups, private citizens, and business entrepreneurs have all pitched in to provide food, clothing and lodgings for the refugees. But “paradise,” as some of the refugees have called Canada, would soon become hell if we don’t try to help them integrate with and succeed in this country. Already, refugee advocates have tried to set realistic expectations for the newly-arrived refugees, many of whom were middle-class citizens back home. Instead of a teaching job, they might have to drive a cab. For some, it will take them at least a year to learn English.

Learning from my own experience as an immigrant from Hong Kong some 25 years ago, I truly believe that these refugees can succeed in Canada if they are helped by people around them who are caring, nurturing and wanting them to make it. As boomers who have the experience and resources, we should volunteer to help them integrate into Canada as quickly as possible. This can be done by offering them career advice; matching them with the right job opportunities in corporations; and establishing a mentoring system for individuals so that they could be pointed in the right directions by experienced professionals here.

This is the perfect time and opportunity for boomers to give back to the community. I know many wealthy boomers who have given their time and financial resources to privately sponsor some of the Syrian refugees. Others could, perhaps, help refugees better integrate after the initial settling-down has been completed. Drawing on my own experience as an immigrant, I was fortunate enough that I was helped by a lot of colleagues and mentors who wanted me to succeed when I first arrived in Toronto in 1990 as a senior marketing professional from Hong Kong who didn’t even know who Wayne Gretzky was! Over time, with a lot of hard work and encouragement by other Canadian citizens, I’ve managed to enjoy a very long and successful career and became the first double-minority (woman and visible minority) equity partner of Canada’s largest public relations firm in 1997. I’m always grateful to my adopted country Canada, and am confident that, with the help of other like-minded Canadians, the Syrian refugees, who have just been given permanent-resident statuses in our country, will have every opportunity to, not only survive, but thrive here!